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December 15th, 2021
Salt in the Wounds

I had a few of my teeth extracted last week. Yesterday marked day 7. I'm doing ok.
I'm following the directions. My jaw is still a little sore. When I eat, sometimes herbs get stuck
in the tooth holes so that's uncomfortable. Simple salt water rinsing is proving to be the best course of action.
Salt is a powerful thing. So, yeah. So far, so good.

I was told a few days ago that I shouldn't write down so many personals about myself, lest someone use
it against me. What do you think abou that? I mena, yes, I do beleive that when doing certain things, it is best to
keep quiet about it. For me, this most often applies when doing certain majik.

Over the course of my life, I've come to see that frequently the most smiliest of faces and the most comfortable of
friends or associates, use my weaknesses against me. It comes in ways like only being friendly to get close to me so
they can get something I have, or get close to someone I know, and in at least one case someone who I called a long term friend
attempted to do majik to actually become me. One chose to use my own weaknesses to kill me off (Yes, I'm serious),
so she could "walk into my life". Some want the money, some property, some want my partner, some want my ideas...
and some just plain don't like me at all, and therefore go to great lengths to fuck me up.
So, yes, I have found it in my best interest to not tell folks what majik I have going on.

In regard to my personal everyday stuff, be they feelings or views or experiences, I will tell those tales. I've known a great many
who hide behind facades of making others to believe that they have the perfect life, or that they have everything in their lives on point.
Most of this is to make others feel as though they are less then them. More often this is done to convinve people that because they
have it together, must mean what they have for sale actually works. Sometimes, this is true, but they leave out the very important and
vital variable: being human.

So, story time:

Sure, my meditation takes me deep. Sometimes, it takes me on a wild goose chase through my own feelings and fears and not have the
meditative experience I wanted. This is where contemplation comes in, and the meditative act was a catalyst for more dissection and dissolution.
Some others: "you're doing it wrong"/ o.O. Ok. I prefer the dark and dirty alchemy process over the fake ass pretty flower scenario,
but I wouldn't call it "wrong".

I don't have all of the best clothes. No, actually, I don't. I would like to have nice things to wear. Actually, I'd love to have spot-on sewing
skills to make my own stuff, but I don't. I'm working on it. Sewing machines and I have a lot to work on. I'm not so great with them, so I hand-stitch.
I can make amazing stuff like bags and t-shirts and skirts and have them printed, but I can't afford to buy them for myself usually.
Out of the 2000 items I've made for Gothic Grafiti, I think I may own 6 or 7 of those items.

I have wrinkles and fine lines, and this weird little dark line that makes one side of my face look like a ventriloquist doll.
Do I photoshop it away? Sometimes. It depends on what the photo is for. If it's a profile photo, no. If it's for an art piece or a black and white, yes.

I'm currently 50 pounds overweight, so my majik doesn't work, right? RIGHT? Wrong.
The meditations and contemplations showed me why I was overweight.
The alchemy showed me where and how to fix it. 280 pounds 2 years ago vs. 218 now. STRESS folks...stress. Stress because of hidden traumas,
disassociation because of being over-stressed, and wanting to eat high carb food for more brain energy. It's a deadly loop. Stress is most likely the
answer to all of lifes little miseries. Find source of stress. Understand it for what and why it is and then work on feeling better. Fuck what other
people think looks good. feel good first, then work on other stuff.

Tears. Again-human. if it hurts, I cry. One of the worst trends people want to live up to, or tell others they have is a high pain tolerance.
Well, I have one of those, but a human being shouldn't. A high pain threshold means your body is having to deal with an over exorborant amount of pain,
discord and strife. It is not a badge of honor. It's sad. It really is. I'm glad I CAN feel a normal amount of pain now instead of being able to drive
spikes through my nose and other body parts and go "huh, I didn't feel a thing!" Sure, seems cool on the surface, and is if you're an entertainer using
that as a shtick, or a soldier who is in constant combat, but for everyone else...it's not a good thing. When someone
is sticking prods and needles in my tooth holes without working anesthesia, I'm not gonna say "oh yeah! Didn't feel a thing! MOOOAAAAAR!"

No money. No, I don't have a lot of money. I used to when my late husband passed away, but it's gone now. Bills, kids, paying off debts= money gone now.
Social security isn't forever. Neither are death benefits. So, I am working on trying to make a living by selling my art and other wares.
Internet is flooded, so yeah, don't get me started on that again. Bottom line is my majikal work was to:

Yes...the fairytale life for me. Is the majik working? Yes. Strongly. But here's where a lot ofpeople get fucked up:
To have what you WANT often requires you LOSE what you have. It's like a woven blanket.
To get another blanket of new design, you have to largely unravel the old one. Depending on how big the blanket is, it could take a while.

I trust my feelings. My feelings tell me I'm spot on and following the right path for me. I am seeing results..albeit slowly...but that's good!
In my opinion, slow and steady is better than the alternative. Slow and steady gives me time to see things clearly and to change plans, work on skills
and learn new things, and other elements in my life that were needed in order to have a comfortable and productive life. I don't want to just exist,
or just to survive. I don't want to be a cog in a machine of bills, scams and stress. I want to invest. Legacy is everything to me. It's worth the time.
I'm happy with it.

I'm wired weird. Yeah. It's what is formerly known as HFA or aspergers and in my personal opinion, it is not autism. It's evolution.
I call this wiring my superpower. It's my inner-witch. I'm weird, but I'm not shallow. :)

We've drifted so far from the natural, open hearted, mindful and majikal as a society. that I see it as people coming back to a more connected state.
I'm happy I'm not "normal". Yeah, it's created issues in my life because most folks subscribe to the instagram ideals. I'm happy being well fed, healthy,
and creative. I'm happy being intelligent and emotional, and when I get over-stimulated it's not because I'm broken; it's because I'm beautifully and
innocently human - living in a society that constantly wants us to be stressed out and my body/mind/spirit let me know that it's not normal by reacting to it.
I'm glad I see and feel with the emotions and eyes of a child, but the intelligence of an old one. I'm ok with that, and feel sorry for a society
that isn't ok with it. Everyone wants to live a fairytale, be majikal, be creative, but in a quick get and easy button way.
More often than not, folks want a lapel pin as an outward sign to other people.
People like that want to be asociated with or known for a thing, person, organization, creed, mantra, or way of being -
not because they actually want to do the work, learn the skills or walk the walk, but appear to be that way.
They want to be liked, respected and feared and they want it without actually doing it. Posers, fakers, snakes...
because society is gross like that now.

Does telling this stuff make me weak? I don't think so. I think it can help others out by showing that majik is a process, not an easy button.
that we are all living in a world that has become unmanageable, and there are things that can be done in a slow and steady way...with or without aspergers. ;)
Does telling this personal stuff make it easier for people to hurt me? Yes. Yes it can.
However, I learn where the weakness is through the cracks in my stronghold.
I am confident in my approach, but being open-minded and alert enough to see that band-aids over gaping wounds doesn't mend.
Sticking my finger in the hole in the wall isn't practical. Will folks try to hurt me? Yes. Many have and many have tried...
however, I have the ability to see it and prepare for it long before it comes now. Will I get hurt again? Probably. I have a big heart.

Should I be afraid of "spilling my beans"? No. I'm not afraid. I'm honest and real about it because I can't help myself or others if I'm
not real and I feel that I can defend myself fairly well if an attack does happen.
I want to be accepted as I am, loved as I give it and respected by my own character and skills.
I want to present something useful and practical, not woo-woo and I want it to be enjoyable and fun as much
as it is impactful and powerfully motivating and revealing.
I practice what I preach.
I want to teach what I know by explaining my own ways on how I got here. I believe in being truthful and being heartful because that is my ikigai...
my own personal harmony.

The journey is the treasure. The ups and downs are the adventure. The majik is all along the way. Fear means your body is working right. It means that
something somewhere is out of balance with your regular function and intentions. Recognition is my key to unlock the secrets of the fear.

Is the practice perfect? No! It's beautifully imperfect. That's why it works for me. Salt in the wounds heals.
It may leave a scar, but there they be as reminders of battles well won and lessons well learned.
Salt purifies, yet burns when it needs to. It cleanses and heals.

I am a work in progress.

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