.:Deliciously Motivated: The Diary of Arijah Ankh Khalid-Zyn:.

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January 19th, 2022
Leonardo's Curse

I could indeed do anything I wanted to.

If I found it to be of interest, I learned at least some of it.
If I found it to be of use, I learned a lot of it.
If I found that a certain interest resonated deep within the core of my being, penetrating the very fabric that made up the bits and
vibrations that stitched me as whole...merging with the delicate, awakening the sleepy to dance wildly within every thing
that I was, it was more than an interest...it was me.

I was finding myself in everything. I related to the subtle, feeling it resonate within me.
I connected the fragile, almost unseen strands between things, and could hear the music that I, in conjunction with "it", made.
I could do anything, because I was a part of everything...and that became the "problem".

"Saper vadere", "learn how to see", is a phrase attributed to having been frequented by Leonardo Da Vinci.
I translate it as "connection". If you look and just "be", you will find yourself within the moments and spaces between activity.
Within those bits and baubles and movements, you no longer "see" with just your eyes, but feel it within your own presence, and find
it within that layers that make up a thing. Seeing, then becomes an act of feeling yourself within the experience and recognizing how
that experience is present within you.

Doing so reveals 3 levels of awe:

1) The realization that seeing the way everything connects, can be accomplished.
2) The understanding of self-connection to the everything that is being witnessed.
3) The profound truth of having witnessed creation itself, and how the viewer is the creator.


For many, this isn't an easy task, but for some, it comes naturally. Polymath, Renaissance person, philosopher, maji...witch.
Call it what you want, as it is both gift and curse.

The gift is being able to understand and consciously participate in
creation on various levels, which does in itself and by default, create empathy. The curse is that the empathy creates an overload
of wonder and possibility, which makes it difficult to focus on one thing.

Benjamin Franklin said, “An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.” which is, generally true, however, that interest,
opens the door to more interest-ing ideas...aka: rabbit holes.

"If I found it to be of interest, I learned at least some of it. If I found it to be of use, I learned a lot of it."
This also holds true when these things aren't comfortable.

If I found it to be an enemy, a scoundrel, a "make my blood boil"
and not in a good way "thing", I also need to know why -because the revelation in that too, is a teacher.
These teachers tend to show up during times of great personal change. We see them as things that happen at the worst times possible.
They can seemingly distract us from our focus, emotionally upending a clear thought and evoke anger, fear, resentment and pain.


They speak to our core philosophy, and poke at the sacred stuff: the intimate "no touchable" regions of our soul. That makes us extremely
uncomfortable because how dare they? How dare they come into our soul space, filthening up our nice clean carpets and propping up their muddy
feet on our coffee table? How dare they make themselves comfortable, grab up the remote and change the channel?
Because they...are the next level of understanding what we need to see. These "enemies", the ideas and events that "scream the loudest",
draw our attention to their existence or activities, because they're the "anti" us and we need to know why.
"They" are the parts of ourselves that we have chosen not to be, or have not become...yet. One thing I've learned to be true is that I can
never ever say "never", because one tiny little event can change perspective or ignite emotions so powerful that it changes the entirety of who I am.

These butterfly effects, flap their wings and create tides of change, affecting "reality".They are keys to unlock further understanding and potential.
Not to "become" what they are, but to understand what we aren't, because there's something in there. Some secret that speaks to our own creation,
daring it to do...or die.

My sister and I had a mantra: "L.D.B.", an abbreviation for "learn, dream, become", which means educate yourself,
use that education to set goals and then create what you want as a result of it.

Often, I found myself in a mind space of conjecture. If I'm so integrated, understanding, connected, then why in the hell am I still so broke?
Why have I, the smart one, gotten myself into various predicaments that were, to say the least, uncomfortable? "I'm L.D.B-ing, but all I'm seem to be creating
it more...questions? Where is my key? where is the one shiny key that opens all of the doors!" ...and when it happens, it gets quite gruesome
in those spaces.
That sense of confusion creates feelings of inadequacy and fears of failure. It calls up the past, searching diligently for something missed, and I get
angry with myself for not seeing it.This requires me to look deeply within myself and ask, "why am I angry about not having any money?", of course, in a
generalized way, that answer is easy -because it takes money to pay the bills and buy the food, right? Yes. But also no. There is a way to lighten the load,
and my family and I have been working on that. Paying the bills isn't as dire of a need as it used to be because of our plan to build around us, not us to
fit into an existing scenario. of course, that's a long discussion for another time; the point is, no, that is not why I get bent. The reason goes back into
reasons that I discussed in yesterdays blog "Just Breathe". The reason is because I learned it. Not only was it learned at an early age, it is pounded upon
daily -this whole "true value" meaning only money, and how much a person can make of it.

"So, you wanna to be an artist, huh? Ain't no money in it.
How you gonna eat?" True as it can be, it isn't at all definitive. A lot of people do make money as an artist, but that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to
create art. "Witch, huh? Why haven't you poofed what you want into existence?" There's another one. "Harvard? So you took some classes online. It doesn't count
unless you went. Do you know hard it is to get into Harvard?" Actually, yes. Which is why I am abundantly grateful to the professors who put up entire curriculums
and lectures for free on the internet for the sake of learning.

I'm tired of being generalized. Ironically enough, being a "generalist"
is what I am.
A generalist is having a broad scope of interests, ideas and abilities. What I want to be is a specialist, and take those abilities and
focus them into creating the "thing"; but, that's exactly what I've done. It's exactly what I am doing. I've taken the things that are at my core,
the "heart words", and let them play with ideas and experiences. What I realized is that I don't like the usual because I find it to be ridiculous.
I feel like the "work hard, pay bills, get respect, die" rule is a scam, and because of that core tenet, I sought to unravel the web that had me stuck to it.

I go in and out of those spaces where I feel doubt. I hate that it happens, but I'm human. The doubt itself reminds me that there are things yet to learn about myself.
There are mysteries yet to be uncovered. It can be paralyzing, if I let it, so I try not to let it get me. Meditation during those times of meltdown mode do indeed
help. I'm not having full blown panic attacks anymore...*knock on wood*.

"Being smart is a curse."
"Jack of all trades, master of none."
"Stop daydreaming."
"You should make a living out of that."
"Stop getting yourself all emotional."
"Think about the other people that you're going to affect later in life."
"You're mouth will be your damnation."
"You shut your mouth."

I could go on, but we all have them...the dream deflators, the ill-wishers, the well-meaners and the value-placers. We all have the little insects,
flapping their wings in our subconscious, vibrating the fragile strands in our psyche, evoking nostalgia and creating self-doubt...the disempowerers.

All of these statements are part of a whole, that blurred my vision for a long time. As time goes on, more statements built upon it until it had become a fortress.
I just didn't think I knew how to specialize, because my unconscious mind was remembering the words of everyone else, way back when. I didn't think I had the keys
I was looking for because it was like my glasses -on top of my head the whole time.

Not all specialization is a means to make money, but it can remove the need for a lot of it.

People get lost in their need for money because they don't know how to live any other way. Experiences have shown them that the only way to live is by being a
"slave to the grind". That's not my way. It's not who I am or what I want to teach.
It's ikigai, Raison d'être...reason to be. Basically, do what you love, because in that is meaning. When you're in balance with your true heart,
everything else falls into place.Granted, it sounds and seems a lot more like fancy new-agey stuff, but it really isn't. You can't be happy by being
trapped in a lifestyle or mindset that doesn't become you. When you're happier, it makes things easier to see, and by doing so, opportunities present
themselves, so to speak.

Money isn't the enemy. It's nice to have the trading tickets for things I like, but I don't want to require so much of it that I merely exist and not live.
That curse is only a matter of perspective; an augury of innocence, and as William Blake wrote,
"To see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour."

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